DRINK YOUR P!SS


– It’s cold. I better climb inside this whale carcass. – SHUT UP! – Ugh, hold on. I got to drain my five-dollar footlong. That means I got to take a tinkle. – Yeah, I know. Hey, why the hell are you going so far? – I can’t go if somebody can see me going. – You’re not five years old anymore! – I can’t go if somebody’s even thinking about me going! So just stop! (groaning) Stupid button fly. Who’s the idiot that chose this over a zipper? (grunts) Anthony? Hey, Anthony, where are you? If you can hear me, say “dingleberry.” Or really anything at all. I just really like the word “dingleberry.” Heh. Dingleberry. (snickers) Come on, man. I’m lost! (echoing) All right, if I can’t find my way back, it looks like I’ll have to survive out here by myself. SURVIVE!!! All right, let’s do– (groans, body thumps) (quiet thunder, bird squawking) (moans in pain) What would Bear Grylls do right now? – (ominously) Drink your own piss! – Who the hell said that? Bear Grylls? – I sensed that someone was in trouble and came as soon as I could. – Well, then, what should I do? Tell me your secrets. – Right. First, you’ll need to take care of three basic things: food, shelter, and hydration. Take care of these three things, and you’ll be able to survive out here forever. – Whoooa. – All right. First thing you need to do is drink your own piss. – What? No. – All right. Then I guess you could find some food. First, if you just look down– – Oh, I know. If I eat this moss, it should sustain me all winter. – No, no, that moss is extremely poisonous. – (spitting) (coughs) – I was just trying to get you to look down there. Someone left us a roasted chicken. (flies buzzing) – Oh. Right. Heh. I knew that. (coughs and gags) – This next step will be a lot easier if you drink your own piss. – I’d really rather. – Whatever, man. It’s your life at stake here. I guess we’ll have to get you some shelter. I would actually– – Oh! I’ll use these sticks to make a hut. I’ll make two bedrooms so you can stay the night for a sleepover. – Stop, you idiot! You’re tearing down the last den of the endangered West African Killer Otter. – (gasps) (otters chitter) Oh, hi, little guys. Aren’t you so cute? (baby talk) (screaming) Get it off, Bear! (disoriented muttering) (screaming) Why two? Die, you stupid! (growls) (panting heavily) (heavy breath) – Good job, dick. You just forced the species into extinction. – Well, they started it. Anyway, what’s next? – Right. This is your last and final step: hydration. All you have to do is drink your own– – No. – What? You scared of a little piss or something? – I don’t know. It just seems a little extreme, doesn’t it? – Come on, man. Just drink your piss. Everyone’s doing it. – Okay, great. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not gonna drink my own piss!! – Fine! – Fine! (sizzling, Ian wheezes) (groans) I’m so thirsty. – Just drink your own piss, man. Look, I got a bottle of my piss right here. See? Not that hard. Just drink your own piss! – Damn it. I’m not drinking my own piss, Bear Grylls! – Suit yourself. (gulping) – Ah, screw it. – Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah! – Are you drinking your own piss? – (spits) What? (sputters) No. And besides, even if I was, I had to. I’ve been stuck out here for days, man! – Uh, you’ve only been out here for like 20 minutes, and you’re not lost. Your car is right there. – What? – Yeah, I saw you hit your head on that tree, and, I mean, I was gonna help. But then you started talking to yourself and building things out of sticks, so I just sat back and watched. – Wow. Congratulations. You’re the greatest friend ever, dick. – So you really just drank your own piss? Huh? – I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home and– (engine sputters) Crap. Car’s dead. – Great. Now we’re probably gonna be stuck out here for a couple of days. And we definitely don’t have enough food or water. – No!! – To see bloopers and a deleted scene about banging hotties on Mount Everest, click the link in the description below. – Piss party! – Thanks for subscribing. (gulping) Mmm. Mmm. That’s some good piss. – What have you got for me? – Cats and dubstep. (dubstep music playing) – Love it.

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