If Energy Drink Ads Were Honest – Honest Ads (Monster, Red Bull, Gatorade Parody)

[Music] well then I just might have the perfect product for you I’m Roger and this is a youth edgy isn’t he does he make you feel insecure why not try a metal tube of caffeinated sparkling chemicals there are a lot of ways to get caffeine into your blood and you know all about those because you’re so very addicted to caffeine so I know what you’re thinking why should you ever pick my horribly unhealthy impressively overpriced and transcendently bad tasting product the answer simple some things I found out about during market research you know people make fun of middle-aged millionaire white men in suits for not knowing what’s cool but frankly I think we nailed it hang loose bruh very loose Anthony our studies show that if we pair our tube of caffeine with visuals of extreme sports and people performing incredible feats of athleticism that you’ll associate it with a heightened masculinity and a boundless almost superhuman level of energy if you want to transform yourself into a white-hot ball of explosive energy you’ll chug a few of our metal cylinders of poison even if they do taste like a bunch of sweet tarts that got peed on that’s it that’s accurate that’s that’s the taste extreme taste and extreme chemicals unlike coffee and tea which are totally natural stimulants humans have been enjoying responsibly for thousands of years Horton’s metal tube of caffeinated sparkling chemicals is jam-packed with fancy words like Tory ginseng and vitamin b12 of course none of these things give you energy or really do much of anything and one of them is almost certainly a spelling error on the label the only important ingredients are the caffeine and the sugar and of course there’s less caffeine and you’d get in a cup of coffee and less sugar than you get in a bottle of soda and if we’re being nitpicky here the caffeine doesn’t really give you energy either it just blocks the receptors in your brain that are supposed to know how tired you are technically your body can convert sugar to energy but it’s pretty much the worst way to do that and the only reason we’re putting sugar in here is because it’s more addictive than caffeine or even heroin let’s go to a skate park or you know a rough approximation of a skate park I’m only here to associate my product with exciting extreme sports even though these two things objectively don’t support each other most of the people who drink my product should wear a helmet because they will crash not on their skateboards but in their bloodstream all that energy from sugar is gonna burn off quick turning them into useless drooling idiots until they get their mitts on another tube Hortons sparkling brain poison seriously though put on your helmet good you making me nervous putting this much crap in your body will damage your concentration judgment self-control as well as a host of others let’s get out of here thanks to loopholes in FDA regulations we still don’t have to tell you how much caffeine is even in our beverage kind of like how we make our labels bright colors to pretend it’s not a strange brown color a good way to distract yourself from this being the exact color of poop is to mix it with fermented potatoes and cereal greens that way you’re drinking two kinds of poison one that impairs your decision-making and motor skills and another that takes away your ability to tell if your decision and motor skills are impaired so please make metal tubes of caffeinated sparkling syrup a part of your daily routine if you do it long enough your body will become so accustomed to the chemicals that it becomes medically dangerous to cut back and you’ll keep sucking it down right up to the moment your liver detonates in your belly at age 32 I’d say detonates there’s supposed to be a sound thingy accompanying when I say detonate there it is that for your liver extreme right okay you’ve been rogered [Music] hey guys thanks for watching this video like and subscribe and in this video is Hayley Mancini and Dillon seen you guys at Hayley Mancini at Dylan John Seaton yeah and you can find me at cracked yum poop

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