Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date – Uncensored


[laughter] God, the moment I saw you
last night in the club, totally had
to ask you out. Are you kidding me?
Like, the moment? – Oh, yeah.
– That’s so sweet. And I was actually afraid
that you were going to be, like, one of those high-maintenance
chicks, you know? – What?
– Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Control freak or–
I don’t even know. Oh, my God.
That’s so funny. Isn’t it? Is it? Is it funny?
Is it funny? No. I’m, like, I totally
just like to be just easygoing. – Yeah, yeah.
– Hi, I’m Wayne. – I’ll be your waiter.
– It’s been five minutes and we’re just now
getting our menus? Oh, I’m sorry. Don’t be sorry. Be better. Right. Okay.
I’ll be better. At your job. [tense music] Thank you. So, yeah, my philosophy
is pretty much like, keep it chill. Right, yeah, yeah. You know what I like
about you? – No, what?
– It’s like you’re not afraid to be, like, brainy
and respectful. Right.
Thanks. I really like your boobs. [chuckles] I think we really
complement each other well. We just did it
right there. And, uh, I pretty much
go with the flow. Right, right. What the fuck
is wrong with you? Excuse me? Do I look like
Mad Max to you? I-I’m sorry? Do I look like
Mel Gibson with a mullet? I… no, not at all. Does he look like
a feral child with a boomerang
in his hand? No. Then why the fuck
is water a rare commodity here? It’s–it’s not.
I’m just, uh– [fake laughing] I’m sorry.
I’m just really slammed. No, you’ll know
when you’re slammed because your nuts
will be on the table and my fists will be covered
in your blood. [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ Um… You were, uh… like, kind of harsh
to that guy. Oh, him? – Yeah.
– No. I was a hostess
at a restaurant. In the industry, that’s how
we talk to each other. I’ll show you.
Hey! Uh, hey. What do you see there? That’s your water. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Down. Down? Down, boy.
Get on your knees. Okay, I have other tables
that I have… What does that
look like to you? Yes, there’s a little lipstick
on your glass. – Okay.
– But it… Megan, it’s your–it’s yours– This is what
I want you to do. I want you to take
this glass into the back. I want you to break it, take the biggest shard you can
find, and bring it to me. I’m… Then I want to slit
your gullet. All right, I’m just–
I’ll get you another water– I’m going to slit your throat
and watch you bleed out, and I’m going to shower
in your blood. All right, I’ll…
I’ll get another water. Well, that would be great.
Thank you. But as I was saying, like, I just feel like it’s like
do unto others. Megan! It was your lipstick
on the glass. [dramatic music] What the hell is that?
What are you doing? Wait.
Wait, no, no, no, no. Oh, man. Let me just tell you, no one’s ever talked to me
like that in my life. I’m just saying
that your lipstick– You have his back? Who does that? It was your lipstick
on the glass. He’s just a waiter. You know what?
Take his side. – I’m not–
– And I hope you have a very happy life together. Megan. What’s going on right now? What are you…? [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ – Seriously, Megan–
– No! No. Megan!
You left your jacket! – Hey, you left your jacket!
– Hey. Hey, hey. Don’t do it. Man, I just hurt her feelings,
and then she left her jacket. The least I could do is
give her back her jacket. Don’t do it.
Don’t do it. – She fucking needs this jacket.
– She does not need it. It’s 87 degrees out.
You know she doesn’t need it. In your heart of hearts you know
she doesn’t need that jacket. Don’t do it. I think she’s going
to need her jacket. No, she’s not going to need it.
She’s not gonna need it. Megan, you left your jacket,
though! ♪ ♪ Seemed like a nice guy.

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