The Worst Parts of Halloween • Wine Mom


(upbeat music) – Hi, I’m Hannah, your
friendly neighborhood wine mom, and if you’re anything like me you believe that a glass
of wine at 8:00 p.m. makes you a better mom, so pour yourself a glass and let’s talk. It’s fall, y’all. In celebration of that, I found pumpkin spice wine. I didn’t know that it was possible for me to be any more basic
but dreams do come true. So we’re going to celebrate
with a glass of that. It’s not flavored. It’s literal pumpkin wine, which I thought only
existed in Harry Potter, which is why I’m wearing this sorting hat. Cheers. Ugh! Oh my God, this is so gross! (Hannah wines) I was so excited. I gotta get something else. (camera beeps) Okay. Let’s try this again. I got some real mom wine, chardonnay. So with fall comes my
favorite holiday, Halloween. I love it because I love candy. And even though I love Halloween, not all good things are perfect, so let’s talk about the
worst parts about Halloween. First, the kids’ costume situation. Every year, starting in April, my son decides what he
wants to be for Halloween, so I’ll always get conned
into buying that costume. And the next week he changes his mind. My rule is if he doesn’t
change his mind for a month I will buy the costume. He’s dead set on being Kylo Ren this year. So we got the costume,
I go to the checkout. 50 dollars. 50 dollars! And I’m like, okay, this is worth it. It’s in all the Star Wars packaging. And this probably has, like,
laser beams flying out of it if it’s 50 dollars. 50 dollars! And we unwrap it and it’s
literally one piece of fabric with some slits on it,
and then a plastic mask. 50 dollars! To be worn one day of the year. And as a mom, that’s, like, offensive. I need everything to be worn
to its maximum capacity. So if I’m spending 50 dollars
on a Kylo Ren costume, 50 dollars, he’s gonna wear it to school, he’s gonna wear it to the park, he’s gonna wear it to restaurants, he’s gonna wear it to gymnastics class. “You keep that mask on! “I don’t care if you can’t see. “Tumble with the mask on, we’re
getting our money’s worth.” Next, the mom costume situation. Because apparently, if you’re shopping at a
costume store as a mother, you either can have no body
or show your entire body. As a mother, I feel like when I’m going
trick-or-treating with my kids, there’s an expectation of
me to have a modest costume, but I don’t wanna be a
freakin’ crayon for Halloween. I wish there was some type
of middle ground costume that I could buy. Cat Woman meets Cat Lady. Like Cat Woman, but not skintight. Like, give me a little room to breathe. Maybe after she’s retired
and had a couple of kids. That’s the costume that I want. If you’re looking to start a business, moderately sexy costumes for moms. You’re welcome. Next, the crash. So throughout trick-or-treating
my child will ask for a piece of candy from
each house that we visit and he’ll be like, “Oh my God, but Mom,
they gave me a Kit Kat!” Like you don’t know what a Kit Kat is. You know how to con me better than that. Come on. He ends up eating pieces
of candy all along the way. By the we get home, both of my children are
just puddles of mush. Only 90s kids will remember
the Capri Sun commercials where, like, the kids turn
into these gelatinous, like, silver things and, like,
melted into the ground. Like, that’s what my children turn into. Then you have to brush their teeth and they never want to brush their teeth and it’s like, “Dude, you
just ingested 80 cavities.” By the end of the night it’s like I’ve just
fought in the Crusades. But it’s all worth it because
once they fall asleep, that candy’s mine. Okay. The hat’s coming off. Feel like I should look in the mirror. Last, Neil Patrick Harris. We all know him. We all love him. He is perfect. His husband is perfect. Their children are perfect. And instead of just, like,
privately enjoying it every year they post the most perfect
Halloween costume ensemble that I have every seen in
my stupid, worthless life. They always the most perfectly
coordinated costumes, too, and it’s always something popular but not overdone that year. Well how do they know
that they’re going to be the only family dressed as
perfect Peter Pan characters? You have Halloween all to yourself. You are the only people who are worthy of
celebrating this holiday. When my family tries
to coordinate costumes, we look like a bunch of crazy people walking down the street. And they always take
this perfect family photo in their costumes. Everyone is looking at the
camera, everyone’s smiling, everything’s perfect, they
all have their makeup done. They look beautiful. When we try to take a family
photo, someone’s always crying. Usually it’s me. Someone’s always not
looking at the camera. Someone’s probably pooping. I just want that Neil Patrick Harris vibe coming from one of my pictures. It’s like, we get it, Neil. You’re perfect. We get it. Can you just, like, post your
Halloween picture in November when the wound is a little less raw so that we feel a little
bit better about ourselves? And if you actually see this,
Neil Patrick Harris, thanks! Big fan of all your work. So that’s all I got for today. I’m Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom, and if you guys know what
you’re going to dress up as for Halloween, leave it in the comments, ’cause I desperately need ideas. And if you have couples
costume ideas, even better, because I wanna convince my
husband to dress up with me ’cause we’re coming for
you, Neil Patrick Harris. You and your perfect family,
we’re coming for you, and we’re going to take
a beautiful picture of all of us coordinated with one random Kylo Ren in the corner. It’s gonna look great. Til next time. I’ve always wanted to do that. Just, like, finish the
glass and just throw it down and walk away but this is my house and I don’t want to have to clean it up. (Hannah sighs)

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