What Your Drink Says About You

Oh Hello, welcome to the bar. What can I get
you? Sam Adams huh? Let me guess, you’re from Boston.
Catch that Sox game guy? Here’s your Cranberry Vodka, I hope you meet
a nice gentleman tonight. Now don’t knock it back like a cowboy. And
you dump it out! Here’s your Redbull Vodka. Ah, the dance floor’s
that way. Try not to kill anybody, but, you know.
You asked to get really hammered? Here’s your vodka soda.
Long island iced tea? And we’ll just go ahead and say see you tomorrow. We might as well
settle your bar tab now. You just finished a marathon, literally five
seconds ago? Have a Michelob Ultra. Here’s your Pabst Blue Ribbon. Let me guess
you liked these before they were popular right? We were all out of Hennessy but I got you
this Heineken Light. Ah and the big booty white girls usually show up around eleven
thirty so. Here’s your Old Fashioned. I’ve also seen
Mad Men. Here’s your Cosmo. Are you a Carrie or a Samantha?
Here’s your Margarita, ah no flip flops at the bar. It’s five o’clock somewhere. In my
pants. Someone’s getting Jack Sparrow drunk tonight.
Here’s your Martini, by the way you’re not fucking James Bond.
Here’s your White Wine Spritzer grandma, I mean ma’am.
Here’s your Gin and Juice. Ah, we’re all out of moonshine, but if you’re looking for the
flapper girls they’re doing the charleston in the jitterbug room.
If you have a milkshake, and my straw goes all the way across the room, I drink it up!
Here’s your fucking Jager Bombs. Let’s try to keep it at one sexual assault charge shall
we? Thanks. Screwdriver.
Here’s your Screwdriver, ah, actually can I see your ID again?
Here’s your Whiskey. You wanna talk about it?
Here’s your Rum and Coke, let me guess you were popular in high school.
Here are you Tequila shots. You lose your kidneys it’s on you. Everybody shots!
Yar it’s spiced! And the Andre for the baller?
If you couldn’t tell, this was my first night bartending, and hopefully my last because
I’m fucking terrible. But I like Andre, it’s a good year.
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I’m Max No Sleeves obviously and I will see you next Tuesday.
You know what I mean man it just feels really good to talk. Ya you know.


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